I know, it's been a few days(?!?!) since I've posted. So, my husband, who has smoked cigarettes since he was 18, no longer does. He is still using the electronic cigarettes, and while we did run into supply and demand issues with blu, we have found a supplier that seems to be able to keep up with us. YaY.
Dietwise - so I am sort of sucking at sticking with the diet at night, however, during the day I'm usually fine. It's just that we make dinner, and then I have to make a separate dinner, and it just gets soooooooo monotonous. 2 dinners? Yeah. So I just have what everyone else is having, I just keep it normal.
Along with my metformin, I am also currently also using the Byetta shot. Per doc, patients lose a lot of weight while on the Byetta. There's apparently no way to guage HOW insulin resistant a person is. I have been taking 2 of the metformin a day, we suggested going up to 3 a day, and I asked him about the injection. So now I'm 2 injections a day, 2 pills a day. I've also gotten back into the gym routine, which is truly where my changes are going to happen, as I am really starting to see now. I believe the results are a joint combination of the medication I am on as well as my time at the gym. If I just take my medication and do not work out, no differences. Same vice versa. As I weighed myself at the gym yesterday, I am happy to report that I finally did not have to move the lower weight notch as far to the left as I have been!
A little more about me.... as this IS my "diary"....
So, as I left off last time, I hid my pregnancy very well. Bobby was staying at our house every weekend, and while he wanted to tell everyone right away, I was scared. I was more scared of my Dad than anyone. Kim already had an idea of what was going on between Bobby and I, whether she admits or not, she is a very practiced liar. As I said, she found my bad boy very appealing, which is how Bobby and I ended up together in the first place.
I honestly cannot remember why, but when I was three months pregnant, Kim and I had a blow-out. We (and by "we" I mean my brother and I) were no longer drinking every weekend. We hadn't had one party since we'd moved. And one day, she flipped over a bowl I had put in my rabbit's cage. I assume she believed I'd taken the bowl from our kitchen and given it to the rabbit (which, of course, had chewed the rim), but I, obviously not clearly enough, was trying to tell her the bowl had been outside since we'd moved in three months before. I hadn't meant the bowl had been left by the previous owner, just that I hadn't taken it from the kitchen, and that it had been outside since the time we'd moved into the house.
For whatever reason, probably my mouthing off, she began threatening me that I would not see Bobby again. I, pregnant, teenager, hormonal, and being allowed by Kim to behave mostly as I pleased, rebelled in a big way. It ended up with straddling me, banging my head into the cement floor of our new home. It was the 2nd huge beating I'd had from her. (The first was when I'd been in Nocona Jr. High, and I'd gotten in trouble in English. Mrs. McCoy's class - we all called her Ms. McCow. That time, she'd used an angle iron, soap, and a fan belt.)
By the end of May, there was no way to keep hiding the pregnancy. I hadn't really gained any weight, and I wore baggy clothes anyway, so it would still be a while before I started showing, but I had absolutely no medical exams, and Bobby was wanting me to admit the truth to my parents. He had already told his mother.
Finally, after moving a full fishtank one day, I finally told Kim that I thought I was pregnant. Thought was a little of an understatement, but I was petrified. This wasn't simply the mistaken placement of an orange plastic kitchen bowl! Kim told Dad, and after that, I was told I wouldn't be seeing Bobby anymore. Seriously?! The damage was done! When I would bring it up to Kim, she said it was Dad's idea. And then, one day, I found out differently. Shit, as they say, hit the fan.
I'd had Natashia, and Kim and I had already had the discussion about allowing her to adopt Natashia. There really was no consideration in the matter. Bobby and I were not allowed to see each other, which only increases the desire for two people to be together, even if the two people have nothing in common any longer. We wanted to keep our baby, and after all Kim had done the past year, there was no way either Bobby and I would allow another child to grow up in that type of environment.
The night everything exploded was the night I learned the reason I wasn't allowed to see Bobby was Kim's idea. That same night, I informed my Dad that everything my aunt had told him about Kim trying to have him killed was true. That is the same night I "ran away" after Kim told me to get out and never come back.
The next day, I was told by either Kim, my aunt or my grandmother (I can't remember, I just know it was one of those three) that if I did not come back home, the police were already looking for me and they would take me to jail and give Natashia to my mother. That wasn't going to happen. I believe my mother was with whoever told me that I would have to go home, because I remember making them let me in the car.
We went to Garland, to my great-grandmother's house, in which my mother, aunt and grandmother then took Natashia over. I wasn't allowed anywhere with her, and when Tashia cried, I remembered my aunt accusing me of not feeding her. "You haven't fed her, have you!" she'd accused in a tone that was holy righteous - all the while her children were in Bowles Home because she abused them by tying them to their beds.... I'll never forget those words.
I do, however, feel my great Aunt Margie, nor my Memmie was all too keen on what Kim, Carla, and Sue - my grandmother - were doing.
Once I was back at Kim's house, we found a note that Joyce, Bobby's mother, had brought him to our house to drop him off as she was moving back to California. Things were not working out in Texas for her, and from what I'd heard, Joyce's boyfriend was abusive, and it was causing tension between the boyfriend and Bobby. My world totally fell apart then.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
June 28, 2009
May 14, 2009
Maybe? Is it true???? My husband, who has smoked religiously since he was 18, has finally found something to help him stop smoking. Okay, not necessarily STOP SMOKING, but stops the smoke? He has been trying to stop smoking for the longest time, especially since our daughter is going to be bringing her newborn baby here in about 4ish months! We've (meaning HE) has tried just about everything - antidepressants from a doc, the patch, the gum, almost even tried that little magnetic ear thingy! So, he finds online this site - www.bluecigs.com, which are electronic cigarettes. We all know nicotine is addictive, and to get that, you have to smoke it, and we know the "smoking" part is the killer. With these bluecigthingamajigs, there's no smoke!! no tar!! IF I understand it correctly, the nicotine is inhaled as a vapor. When you breathe out, you SEE "smoke", but it isn't smoke!!!! It acts like a cigarette, but isn't a cigarette! Sorry for all the exclamations but I'm friggin' ECSTATIC!!!! *I* don't like being around cigarette smoke! I don't like it around the kids - and I don't like my husband smoking for ALL of our health! So far, he hasn't had the craving for an actual cigarette. I actually tried it myself, and honest to goodness, you cannot tell a difference at all. I puffed, hacked up a lung lol. FINALLY....
Okay, so dietwise, I suck again tonight. I'm seriously thinking about working nights in order to keep on track. Mornings, even when I'm home, I always have my breakfast the way I'm supposed to. Lunches are fine, but dinner.... idunno! Can't make it! Also, I have switched from going to the gym in the mornings to after work for now, as it's just too hard making myself get up in the mornings. If I can make it, great - better than afternoons, in fact - if not, I'll still get my workout in once a day.
May 12, 2009
Dietwise, everything's going fine, although today I'm having cocoa pebbles for dinner. It's not over my calorie intake, but I'm sure it's not catching up with the rest of what I need to have a sufficient amount of.
On an good note, my desk is cleaned momentarily. YaY me!
Will write later!
May 9, 2009
Another week - on the dieting side, it wasn't a great week. I was sick, again, couldn't get myself up to go to the gym, although I'm going to go after these few words... and because I was sick, I couldn't eat what I was supposed to so improvised, and probably not in the best way.
I'm also going back to cheat night rather than cheat day - seems cheat day makes me sick, too. Last night we had pizza in celebration of mother's day, and watched movies. This week should be better!
I plan on shooting some today - haven't shot anything since the last senior session! It's been too COLD to shoot anything outdoors! All the rooms are clean in the house! YaY! But we did have to threaten with near death....well... the death of the computer, anyway. 4 weeks without it, and if they aren't keeping up with their rooms, another day tacked on and no use of the xbox upstairs. The laundry is almost done as well - YaY! again! So I should have some time to move around outdoors unless it's still freezing. I do see the sun, though, and that's a good sign.
I know I kinda cliffhanged everyone last entry, and sorry, but you'll have to keep hanging.
May 2, 2009
Happy birthday, my brother! Literally. I forget how old he is, but as I am staying eternally 27, I'm sure he's older than me by now!
Onto the diet facts. Last week was kind of a bad week because I was sick and either didn't feel like eating or didn't feel like eating what I was supposed to. So I cheated a LOT. 'Tis okay, though. I'm back on track now.
Doc said to work out sections of my body once every 3 days, and I've been trying to do that, but I just feel like it isn't as thorough as the full workout - at least the full basics. I was to work out the arms one day, legs the next, abs and back the 3rd day then start over again, every day including the treadmill or elliptical. I've actually nixed the elliptical machine because during my arms session, I went to the treadmill so I could use dumb bells and seems I had more muscles twitching afterward than I ever did with the elliptical. So I think I'll stick there - always heard walking is the best exercise...guess it is so!
Still, I felt like I wasn't getting enough of a workout, and with my cheating this past week, any little bit of weight I put on I feel it, and feel awful! I LIKE the energized feeling I get when I work out, and the way I always feel ready to do just about anything all day long! Doing only the "sectional" workout feels like I'm not getting enough. So I've compromised.
Every day I will be doing my crunches, the hip machines - not hip as in cool, but as in for my hips and thighs and the treadmill and incorporate in for legs, abs and arms every 3 days. I think that's fair. They say the lower body is the biggest problem for women - definitely mine, although the gramma arms are a problem, too! However, everything I read says muscle buildup is more prominent if you do the 3 day "rebuilding" of your muscles, so I'm not going to push it. It took me a while to get this big, it'll take me a while to get back down again.
A little more about me - I'm 27 (I think I've mentioned that already), and have been for a few years now. I'm married to a wonderful, stubborn, amazing, hard headed man, and together we have 7 children. Natashia, Tyler, Stormie, Colton, Gage, Alisabeth, and River. River is our "ours" child. The girls are biologically mine, the boys and River biologically my husband's, although together, they are all ours and true brothers and sisters. We're very ecstatic about that! That doesn't mean they don't get into their arguments, but it does mean they follow the term "thick as thieves" and when one gets into something they maybe shouldn't, they definitely stick up and protect the other. Maddening if you're the parent, admirable if you're an outsider.
Where to start..... oh... how about midway through. I'm sure most beginnings are pretty much the same. I grew up in a small town where my father grew up and lived forever. Being young, it was boring as hell- aren't all small towns when you're young? My "mother," which I will refer to as Kim from this point on because I have had a few mother figures and Kim was absolutely nothing of the sort! But that'll be another post or two later on.
Kim decided when I was about 13 that she wanted to be on her own, probably to pursue other men, but she didn't want to be the one to ask for a divorce. My dad had a little gas station in Nocona, and it was work in which he loved doing, but one day, Kim tells him that she doesn't want to live in Nocona anymore and is going to move in with her parents in Dallas. Guess small towns sucked for her, too!
Naturally, Kim was shocked when she learned that her husband wanted to move with her. It threw a serious monkey wrench into her plans because she 110% expected him not to want to go, hence, forcing him to ask for a divorce. Kim really couldn't tell him no, as if she did, it would come to light that she really wanted the separation, and to know Kim is to know that she is ALWAYS going to make herself the "victim." Always. Nothing Kim could do, really, without causing a big scene, so altogether, we moved to Quinlan, Texas. Never heard of it? Google it. This isn't geography!
We moved out of our home and into my grandparents (Kim's parents) upstairs level. Carla, Kim's sister, would occasionally crash there as well between driving the truck and staying with one married man or another. While she did biologically have 2 children, she did not have legal custody of them for "physical" reasons. Everyone but my father knew he wasn't the welcome one, and everyone except my brother and I (at first, anyway) did their very best to give him those unwelcoming subtle messages.
Eventually we got into our own home, and by this time, Kim was cool. I was 14 and she let my brother and I drink every weekend. Of course, to hear her side of that time, it was all my father's idea, although he was always in bed once the house started filling up and people started getting drunk. Naturally, he became an unwelcome presence to us all. At this time, I had my 1st real boyfriend, a real grease monkey who was 18 years old and who I thought was sexy as everything. He was a real bad boy type. For all us girls who fell for bad boys early on, how many are happy with the sensitive types now? Say "aye" - AYE!
So, on with my bad boy, it became apparent that Kim had a thing for "bad boys" as well. And yes, folks, that is no typo. My brother went a little spastic when he caught them together one day after school, and when I saw them kissing for myself, not wanting to ruin my wonderful weekends of getting as drunk as I wanted, I said nothing.
When said bad boy cornered me one night asking me why I didn't see him anymore (although he was my neighbor and I saw him in passing at least once a day), I didn't want to reveal what I knew, and I didn't want to be two-timed by someone who was sleeping with my mother *shudder*.
Scene whatever, introducing Bobby, bad boy's best friend. To skip over the gory details, Bobby ended up being the first love of my life - and although he is not now, and has not been in a long time, there's no denying that he was. He was fun. Bad boy - a little bit. He was older. He drank; extremely fun at the weekend parties Kim always threw. We'd always go on beer runs to get more alcohol when it all ran out before everyone was done drinking, and Bobby and I would kiss all the way there and all the way back. On the way back, I'd break into the peach wine coolers and cheese-its that I always insisted on every weekend. All I can say now is ... *shudder* lol. Musta been good at the time because I drank at least 3 six packs of them every weekend....
However, I will say, that one night on a beer run, the car we went in broke down and bad boy and I were left in the car. Bobby and the driver had gone to use a phone nearby, and all I can think now is why in the world would my boyfriend leave me a lone in the car with my ex-boyfriend. I was drunk, a definite given, but I do vaguely remember having a conversation with the bad-boy about his choice in women. And I do vaguely remember being a totally good girl :)
I was young, cute, new school, plenty of boys that wanted to be more than friends, and plenty of girlfriends, but no one I really got close to as I lived for the weekends. My boyfriend was 19, much more mature than the 15-16 year olds that would ask me out at school. Spend the night at a friend's house? Did their parents let them drink? No? Sorry - I had other things to do.
One day, Kim confronts Bobby and I, informing us that she has hired someone to kill my father. Now, at this point, I didn't like my dad, and no one else wants him around at that time, except for possibly my brother. I thought a divorce would be best all the way around so we could do what we wanted, ESPECIALLY on weekends, but dead? Kim began talking about making plans for our grandmother - my father's mother - to come visit us once Dad was gone so she (my grandmother) wouldn't be so sad. I didn't see the sense in it, but what was I going to do? I didn't want Dad around anymore. Mom said he wouldn't let us do the fun things we liked to do every weekend, but DEAD?
I think it was about a week before "the deed" was to be done when Kim gave her "good" jewelery to Bobby to take to his house (he was our neighbor, too) to hide. The "big night" would start with a guy coming into our house on the pretext of robbing us, and shoot my father. The man Kim hired was to hit her as to make it all look real, but they would only be taking junk jewelery.
He was to come in a white van, Kim told Bobby and I, in which they would keep driving by if there were any lights on in the house whatsoever. She didn't want us kids to get hurt - gosh no!
While Bobby and I felt we could be together much more if my dad wasn't around, neither one of us wanted to see him hurt. He wasn't mean, he wasn't abusive, he just wasn't willing to let his wife and children run wild without speaking up.
The night Kim said the man was to come to our house, Bobby and I made the decision to sit up in the living room with as many lights as we could on in the house. I honestly felt Kim was making the whole thing up. She's a pathological liar; she'll lie about what she has for breakfast even if you're with her at the time she had breakfast. However, we did see the old white van drive by very slowly past our house. As we lived in a cul de sac, the van went up to the turn, came back down, drove very slowly past, and kept on going. We only saw the van once.
Bobby went home and I went to bed, leaving the porch light and the living room light on. Kim was livid. I'm not really sure what happened after that - Kim told us the man would come back another time, but maybe we were too much a risk. I knew the guy's name who was supposed to get rid of my dad, so maybe he felt Bobby and I were too much of a risk.
After that - we moved to Poetry. As I look back, it was a beautiful location, great place, LOADS of land - but of course, it was 1/2 an hour from Bobby, absolutely NOTHING to do. I would still be going to the same school, but there would be no more weekend parties. My dad started living a little bit then, it seems, or that's when I really started noticing him. I had been awful to my dad up to that point - fights in which we both came out looking like we'd gone into battle - all of it from my attitude.
I felt I should have been able to get away with what I wanted to do because Dad wasn't my biological father and for all intents and purposes, he shouldn't have even been involved in my life. Kim had pointed out to me over and over that if Dad wasn't with us, we could do so much more.
I don't know what went on between Dad and Kim - I'm sure there was some type of reconciliation, as the move was another start for my parents. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
By now, I was pregnant with my daughter. I was scared to death, definitely in an unstable household, and not sure what to do.
Kim and her sister began arguing at this time, and after some months, the incident with my father's impending death came to light. My dad, however, didn't like Kim's sister any more than anyone else did, so when Kim denied it, that was that.
I didn't say anything - I had my own hot water I was boiling in! And for the next 5, almost six months, I hid a pregnancy extremely well.
Back to the present - time for haircuts!!! So I'm heading out! More later!
April 27, 2009
'Bye for now!
April 26, 2009
This is the first of hopefully several posts. I'll keep this one brief - as I am also watching a movie - Cripple Creek, to be exact. So far, looks very cheesy, but it does have the promise that it's based on true events....... and we all know how those go.
A word of warning about the "caution" at the beginning: there is no x rated content in any of these posts, I simply dislike having to watch what I say.
So, as the description says, I'm starting in this to hopefully be forced into sticking with my diet. A month and a half ago, I went to my doctor with problems concerning my periods to get some pain medication. We got into a discussion about the weight I'd been trying to lose despite the fact I'd been going to the gym for quite a few months! The doc suggested some tests to see if I was "insulin resistant".... wth? I had no idea what that was, he had also gone over the weight loss clinic that is in the doc's office now, and I figured it was some sort of tactic to make money. I also figured it would be quite a BIT of money.... something any mother (bio and step) of 7 children does NOT have.
I did the tests, not expecting much, but found I had a high sugar level. There were more tests done, at which point I was told I was early diabetic. The doc prescribed medication - Metformin, and said the diet I would be given in the weight loss clinic would help. Also turns out that since the weight loss program would actually help with the diabetes, it would be covered under the insurance, and I would only have my co-pay. $20 bucks once a month for the visit, $4 once a month for my Metformin.
Keeping in mind that I had been visiting the gym regularly for almost a year, in my first visit, I had lost 15% of my body fat, and 10 pounds. Now, for those who aren't aware, muscle weighs more than fat. So lowering the body fat by 15% is huge, and although there was only a 10 lb different, there's 2 sizes difference in my clothes!
I won't be including my actual weight - not yet! I am including a few pictures, and they are of me at my heaviest, but I haven't taken any since.
